"True elevation comes not from tearing others down, but from lifting them up through honesty, respect, and growth."— James McPartland
Imagine standing in an elevator, desperately pressing the "up" button while simultaneously trying to push everyone else’s floor down. Sounds nonsensical, doesn’t it? Why would anyone do that?
Yet that’s exactly what we do when we engage in negative gossip about others behind their backs. In the quiet corners of offices and hushed conversations at social gatherings, we often find ourselves engaging in a peculiar human behavior—talking about others in their absence.
Think about the last time you found yourself in a conversation about someone who wasn’t present. Perhaps it started innocently enough—a casual observation about a colleague’s presentation style or a friend’s relationship choices. But, like a little snowball rolling downhill, these conversations gather mass and momentum, picking up speculations and assumptions along the way. We pursue control by feeding judgments and fueling rumors, gaining attention by sharing private or disparaging information about others.
This dance of gossip serves multiple unconscious purposes. It’s a clever sleight of hand… while everyone focuses on the stories we tell, they don’t notice our own insecurities. We masterfully avoid conflict by venting about people instead of dealing with them directly, sidestepping our own vulnerability by deflecting attention through the denigration of others.
Sometimes, we even engage in negative talk while others are present, pointing out their flaws in a veiled attempt to promote our superiority, seeking validation through the affirmation of others that we’re right in making others wrong. We hope their nodding heads and murmured agreements will somehow make us feel more secure in our own position. But it’s a mere illusion—a bandage on our own emotional wounds.
The truth is, when we engage in this behavior, we’re not actually elevating our status; we’re revealing our own insecurities. We might as well wear a sign that reads, "I’m not comfortable enough with my own worth. I need you to tell me." But friendships and relationships forged in gossip become comfortable prisons, keeping us committed to who we are rather than who we might become.
Not all conversations about absent people qualify as harmful gossip. If the conversation serves the person being discussed—if there’s a willingness to share what’s being said directly with them, and the intent isn’t negative or aimed at making them wrong, but rather to help them improve for the collective good—then those conversations can, in fact, build rather than destroy.
If you find yourself caught in a web of gossip and want to clean up the mess it’s created, start by separating facts from stories. Relationships don’t get damaged by facts; they get damaged when we create elaborate stories around them. Refuse to add embellishments and interpretations to basic truths. Agree that one point of view is too narrow for the whole truth, and understand that facts alone don’t cause stress—it’s the stories we weave around them that create drama and tension.
Genuine status and respect aren’t found in pushing others down but in having the courage to rise above gossip’s seductive pull. When we choose to engage in direct, honest conversations and focus on our own growth rather than others' perceived shortcomings, we discover that true elevation comes from lifting others up alongside us.
Mac 😎
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